My parents were outrageously strict when it came to dating and boys.
Growing up in our house, rules were simple. No dates until sixteen.
No ifs, ands or buts.
No group dates, no boys coming over to hang out, no exceptions…period.
As I had watched three older sisters go through the complaining and crying of this injustice years earlier; I knew it was better to just keep my mouth shut and wait it out until my 16th birthday.
To give my parents credit, what else were they to do when they had four teenage daughters and a dad that used to be a Sergeant in the Marines?
It was inevitable. And embarrassing for us all.
There was one other horrifying rule I forgot to mention once we had reached the 16 year milestone.
My dad had found these 10 Rules on-line and somehow thought it would be a great idea for a contract with any boys we ever brought home.
“The Rules” were printed out for each guy and my parents would sit down with them and go through it point by point.
I give you,
10 Rules To Date My Daughter:
1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package because you’re sure not picking anything up.
2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trouser so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise; You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do in fact, stay on during the course of this date, I will take me electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
4. I’m sure you’ve been told in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this is “early.”
6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time to the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer the painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are bed, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be pot-bellied, balding, middle aged and dim witted. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind our house. Do not mess with me.
10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in sight. Speak the password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, and then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The face at the window is mine.
The boys were then asked to sign and date on the dotted line and it was hung up on the refrigerator for evidence.
Evidence for what? I’m not sure.
But Jeremy’s stayed up on ours for over three years.
And then my dad always wondered why our boyfriends would never talk or give eye-contact whenever they were in the same room.
Jeez dad, I don’t know. Why do you think?
My parents thought it was hilarious; we just thought it was cruel and unusual punishment.
But I’ve moved on and so should you.
Until it’s my teenage daughter someday and my humiliation will be transferred to her; as Jeremy has recently told me that he plans on doing the exact same thing to our 16 year old’s unfortunate dates.
Poor, poor future daughter.
And as a side note, I just wanted to say thank you guys for all of your encouragement and prayers right now. I will defintely not be taking my job for granted anymore and I'm just thankful everyday I have a job to go into.
We have been hit with some hard news this week involving some out of state family and a tragic, unexpected death with an old family friend. It's been a hard few days and I know that we are trying to keep our spirits up with everything going on. Prayers are, of course, always welcome. Especially for the family who is now dealing with the loss of a great husband and father.
I have a lot of vacuuming and cleaning to do in the next few hours since we are hosting a small Super Bowl party at our house and guests will be arriving shortly. I hope everyone has fun watching the commercials game and gets to eat lots of yummy food!
